She's still here. I'm exhausted by trying to be the Go-Between. So she's not entitled to benefits so in order to go back, she needs The Brat to match the rent money I give her - he pays less as "he has a car to run" I mean this is historical from our early 20's, so we'll gloss over me driving for the last 10 years and also having more outgoings in terms of the dogs, and debts which - can we still blame her and the family for me getting sacked? I mean I should take responsibility for the other debts I got after that myself now.

Anyway - digressing. If he matched what I pay and between us we took over the water bill and TV licence (we pay for them now out of the "rent" money, but it is all in her name as she wants to keep proof of UK addresses) on top of that. Then she could get TWMWM (ha that'll have to change!) out their home and live there and it'd be a bit tight and she'd need a parttime job but her pension kicks in, in a few years time and then she'd be ok.

So you'd think that, that wouldn't be too much of an issue yeah? An extra 50 for him and splitting 110 between us each month. I mean, it'd be bollocks for me but worth it.

But no. He refuses to give her any extra "it's her mess, I don't see why I need to help her out of it?" and "I can't afford it" Bitch. I pay 732 a month in credit card repayments and if I think its do-able, you and your 2k debt to pay off a car loan, that ends this summer anyway isn't a big deal. Especially when you earn 1 or 2k a year more than me. 

I tried to reason with him using that. I tried to explain how miserable all three of us are. "Don't care. I'm 310 places on the Council Housing list and when I go, it's her problem."

EXCEPT if he went and went for good J would move in, three years now we've been together. It's time. But he understandably won't live with Stephen. Won't give up the independence of his wee flat to live with Mother trying to control everything with her dramatics. So what do I do? I can't move in with J. His flat doesn't even have a balcony for the dogs for a start and if I move out, then Mother is even more stuck. 

Also. I suspect she may end up going doollay like her parents, who will be the one to pick up the pieces, quit their job and care for her then? Answers on a postcard please!

So its been difficult and she isn't making it any easier. She doesn't seem to want to spend any time with me. I'll come in and she'll leave whatever film she's watching and take her heater upstairs. She makes us some dinner and then goes back up.

If I go out, there's the thousand messages about what to do, what time I'll be back? I'm trying so hard to be patient with her and understanding but its so difficult and I've been spiraling so much about being awful to her and feeling guilty about going out and dealing with the never-ending feeling that I'm just not good enough in her eyes. 

I've had 19 days off and never looked forward to going back to work so much!

PS - had call from hospital. Pre-screening prior to surgery is on 13th April. Hopefully surgery mid-May and God I need her to be gone by then! 

 Mother is home, possibly for good?

I won't get too much into details, but she and TMWMITW fell out (I mean they have a bust up at least once every two years so I wasn't feeling TOO bothered) but she smashed his Ipad, he's drained their bank account, he's called her everything under the sun (some of which I *kinda* agree with). She flew home with just her passport and a change of pants.

She's gone to meet someone to talk about what benefits she's entitled too, after Christmas we'll have to start looking for a job for her.

NIGHTMARE. 

 I went to Derby last weekend with J for H2s wedding. 

A few small changes here and there but still the same. Pang of nostalgia as Friday night was DEAD everywhere. God I remember Our Beloved Friary always being busy and at one point we were the only ones there.

Showing him where MH got bottled, where we watched Dennis In The Last Minute. Showing him the pub where I watched Charlton thrash Arsenal at Highbury. 

Sitting in Seymours as well and expecting someone I knew or recognised at least to walk through the door. 

A nice nostalgic trip and I wonder how my life would have changed if I had been able to stay there. But on the other hand, I probably wouldn't have travelled to the countries I had, had the adventures I had. Ended up with J.

The wedding was lovely, glad J came as I wouldn't have known anyone, although awful pain flareup.

Speaking of which, I am hopeful to get a surgery date in next week or so, although earliest realistically it'll be is February.

I'm borderline an arthroscopy where they will pop my hip joint out, shave the wonky bits of bone smooth and staple the broken labral stuff together. 70% chance of working good odds, unless you're the Mothership who is very much focused on the 30% not working.

In that case, slightly more scary surgery of breaking my pelvis and resetting it. Not even going to consider that as an option.

She came back to visit the weekend before and we went to the Chocolate Cocktail club which was fun.  

 Not sure if the social media weaning is going well? I recorded an hour less screentime than last week. Although still 4 and a half hours a day!

I mean some of that is sensible stuff like online banking, messaging apps and stuff like Duolingo but fuck me. Small targets. See if I can now reduce it to four hours a day. I feel thats acceptable considering duolingo and whatnot for the way to work.

The Brat went away for his 40th! WE ARE ALL GETTING SO OLD!!!! And J who is on Jury service in London and has met me for lunch last few days stayed Friday night until today.

I can't ask him to live with the Brat who still seems incapable of flushing toilets and tidying up after himself and equally I cannot move in with him because of my furry dependents. 

It was nice though - We went to a gig! My first real gig unless you count Jason Donovan back in the days of Derby's Desperate and Easy. or Girls Aloud and Chesney Hawkes at the Uni Ball in May 2003? 2004?

Anyway I saw Feeder and I enjoyed it very much although I knew about half the songs. J loves live music and indie sleaze type stuff and I enjoy it too although I'm a bit of a music magpie and pick up odd songs here and there unlike him.

Payday tomorrow and need to organise trains up to Derby. Remember when I started this? I had my student rail card and it was 18 pounds return! Now I'm thinking myself lucky to get returns for us both for under 100 quid!

I do miss my car! 

 I'm trying to wean myself off of the social media addiction. I just find myself doomscrolling and getting angry at the state of the world. 

I had my anaesthetic procedure on the 1st. Very strange, also surprised at how tired I was considering they didn't do anything. That was on the Monday and I went back to work on the Thurs but I was fighting to stay awake past 2pm.    

I'm trying not to panic about how when he came to see me the pain had returned and he said that, that made surgery less likely. Of course the minute he left the local kicked in and I was pain free until about 2pm.

I'm more panicking at the moment as on Fri night/Sat Morning I woke up at 3.30 in pain and it was 5am by the time I was able to go to sleep again. I took some of the heavy painkillers so I could go to the Charlton-Millwall game and then to J's mums birthday party but I was pretty much glued to my chair all night, not wanting to move about too much and trigger pain.

Need to stop second guessing and ChatGPTing everything!

Mum comes home on Thurs as we're going to the funeral of the guy I mentioned previous post. the Brat turns 40 this week and had packed himself off to go to the Lakes. 

 Oh one more little August update. On the day of the BBQ, I learnt that JW a childhood friend had a sudden heart attack and died. He was my age. We used to play in and out of each others houses, cops and robbers and rode our bikes together.

Haven't spoken in maybe 15, 20 years but always think fondly of him and his family 

 August update!

Still struggling along with no car. J got a little inheritance though and we did go to Bristol for my Birthday!
Amazing to see CL, went to a buffet and worked our way into a food coma, on Friday we went to Bath, looked at the Roman Baths and then did a modern day Spa.
Sat, Went to see Charlton play Bristol City and got a credible 1-1 draw. They were the better team in the first half, we were in the second, probably a fair result.
Also during that week off, we went to see Hercules at the Theatre, went to Camden, visited the Ice Cream Project and climbed the Cutty Sark rigging. 

Over the Bank Holiday we did the very adult thing of hosting a BBQ in my garden - imagine! Having the garden tidy (ish) enough for that!

I'm going into Guys on Monday for a procedure under anesthesia for my hip. Getting quite nervous about that.

Also slightly concerned about Mrs Spaniel. She got a clean bill of health on her vet check up, but the same night was lying in my lap and wet herself. And worst of all didn't seem to realise what she'd done.

Apparently its a sign of doggy dementia but she's not ticking any of the other boxes, so I think I'll monitor and if it happens again then, she can cost me another fortune at the vets getting scans and God knows what else done. 

My car fund sits at 400 so far, not nearly enough and not impressed if I'll have to use that for her checkups - although I will without question. We'll see. 

 My car has gone to the great scrapheap in the car. I was actually quiet sad about it, "Cars" has a lot to live up too!

It was just too expensive to repair. I can't afford a replacement any time soon, but i'm hoping to save anything from 100-300 quid a month with it gone, we'll see. I've long since given up any hope of being able to predict this. 

Sorry for the dogs too as I've had to cancel all their hobbies as I just can't get them there any more. Our walks have been so very boring. 

I will try to reassess come October/November but I think it'll be well into the New Year before I could feasibly consider starting to save for a new one.

TP and TJ bless them sent over a wee donation towards The New Car Fund and that's locked away in a 95 day account to be added too whenever I can.

Reality is starting to hit me with this though, not only the utter boredom all three of us have now but the practicality of it. I have Mrs Spaniel booked in for a groom this Friday - ordinarily not an issue, nip down on my lunch break, pick up at the end of my working day.

Now it involves two buses- a predicted heatwave of 28 degrees and she will hate it. Getting a Pet Uber will cost me nearly 60 quid! Just to go to Lee and back and its not like I have anyone else who will take me.

Getting their jabs done in August (there goes any potential savings that month!!!!!) There is no bus that runs from my house down to the vets so its a bit of a walk and then a bus and then another walk. Muzzling Mrs Collie who will be snappy and barky about it.

J is off that week, maybe he will stay over and help. Can't rely on it though.

Food also majorly cut back as again no direct bus so limited on what I can carry from Charlton.

J and I were planning on going to the Bristol City away game in August. Not sure that'll happen. Not sure how I'll get to Derby in November for H2's wedding - very much thinking longingly about my student railcard and how it used to be £23 return!!!! 

We'll manage. We did before and hopefully I can save it away and stop having disasters that cost me all my money every time I start to be able to push away from the edge of being absolutely destitute.

Had a call from the hospital apologising about my long wait - considering the 4 years its taken to get me to this point I feel things are whizzing along! They sounded like they would try to prioritize me and maybe the op will happen before the end of this year.

Again NHS waiting lists so we will see. Pre- assessment assessment due in August.....